Week 50 - Who’s that girl?

So as I type this post today, I am wearing a size that I haven’t been able to fit since I was 18 years old. I LOVE this side effect of weight loss, smaller clothes. It’s a great feeling, but it’s also incredibly frightening. Being overweight for so long is comforting in a way. The extra pounds provide a buffer from the outside world. It keeps a lot of people at a distance because most people are fat people adverse.

So much of how I still identify myself is as the “fat girl”, the funny girl, who has friends who are guys, but no “real” boyfriends. The girl who other girls aren’t threatened by, because she’s overweight and won’t be stealing any attention away from them at the bar. Even as I sit here knowing I am 75 pounds lighter than I used to be, and in the best shape of my life, inside I am very much still a fat girl. It’s hard for me to even see my own progress in the mirror each day, so I must rely on pictures to actually visually understand my progress, crazy huh?

I have come to resent some the attention and praise I have been getting from people; it’s as if I am some how better than I was 75 lbs ago. Yeah I’m better looking on the outside, but the inside is still the same. Every time I update my myspace page I get messages and add requests from random dudes! Fuck you! I don’t want that type of attention. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people in my life who have know me for years, and understand my weight loss struggle and are genuinely happy and proud of me, and I couldn’t be more thankful for them. They are true friends in every since of the word.

I knew that as a started to lose weight, that much of this battle to continue to lose and to keep the weight off would be in my head, I guess I didn’t really appreciate how hard it would be.