It's hard being Black & Gifted.

The ice, my God the ice!

2011-02-04T15:35:00.010-06:00

It’s Superbowl week, so the eyes of the nation are on Dallas. It has definitely been an interesting couple of days in the Dallas area. As I type this it has been approximately 4 days since I left my house. I am fortunate enough to have a job where as long as I have my Blackberry and my laptop and can work any anywhere for a few days. So I didn’t have any pressure from my manger to physically be in the office. Yes, in case you are wondering I am powerful bored, and cabin fever set in around Wednesday afternoon. However, spending this much time in my house, I have learned a few things about myself.

After watching the news for a day, I immediately became terrified of the thought of my car driving over a tiny bit of ice. My driveway was a complete sheet of ice, as well as my whole neighborhood. When I had a thought about leaving (being brave), all I could think is “my deductible is $500.” I was 100% certain I would go careening into a mailbox, guard rail or just go flying off a bridge. Yeah, I’m a bit of a worse case scenario person. So, I made the decision not to leave the house, mostly because I couldn’t think of a good reason to go anywhere, which leads me to my next bit of self discovery.

I am prepared for a blizzard at all times. Everything I have needed over the last few days I already had at home, (well with the exception of rock salt and a snow shovel). Seriously, I have a pantry stocked with dry goods and can goods, a freezer filled with food, medicine cabinets filled with meds, and all the booze I could ever need! (I tend to buy in bulk when products go on sale). This bit of hoarder-esque behavior was so beneficial this week.

I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten every single meal at home for this many days in a row. I usually do a lunch or dinner out during the week. Since Monday night I have been cooking every meal. Trying new recipes has been great, since I really enjoy cooking, but don’t always have time. Money wise and calorie wise the last few days have been a double win!

All in all, while I spent this post doing a little bit of ranting, this week has made me realize and appreciate how truly blessed I am. Being in my warm, fully stocked house for a few days is not a horrible place to be AT ALL. Netflix streaming, my kindle and a couple of bottles of Malbec also made the unexpected slow down rather delightful. Tomorrow the highs are supposed to be above freezing. Next week I’ll be back to the running around from place to place I love so much.

It's that time of year again...Black History Month!

2011-02-01T10:40:00.010-06:00

Oh the month of February, a time of refection on all the contributions Black people have made to America. Don't worry though, you only need reflect for a mere 28 days. Now I know I should feel an incredible amount of excitement for Black History Month, but I don't. I guess I would just prefer for Black people to be acknowledged for their awesomeness during the entire calendar year.

Over the next 28 days television programming will be modified to show more movies and TV shows with Black actors or topics Black people might find interesting. For example, today HBO aired the movie “Ghosts of Mississippi”; I guess their plan is to make Black people sad and/or angry for Black History Month.

You might be wondering as a non-Black person, what you can do to make this Black History Month memorable? Whatever you do, do not under any circumstances watch more BET; that’s not going to help anybody, anywhere, EVER. However, over the next few weeks, I will provide a few tips to make sure you have a safe and happy Black History Month.

Tip #1

Don’t make any comments about February being the shortest month of the year. Yes, while this old ass joke might be funny in many non-Black circles, I assure you it’s not that hilarious. For real. However, if it does come up, say something like “It’s a shame Black History Month is only 28 days”. “Hey, did you know a Black man invented the key chain?” Then pull out of your pocket your MLK key chain. Don’t have one? Well get one for crap sakes, it is Black History Month after all.

Till next time!

2010: My Favorite Things

2010-12-30T16:11:00.007-06:00

Yeah, so I totally stole this from Oprah, obviously, but it’s not exactly the same. I’m not giving away free stuff. So if that’s what you’re looking for you should stop reading right now. This is more of a list of things that you can read, and then save up the money to experience yourself, if you want.

Favorite Trip - Pacific Northwest Adventure

In May of this year, as a “congrats” gift to myself for finishing graduate school, I took a Great Pacific Northwest Adventure. It was a five day trip which started in Seattle, took me to Victoria, BC Canada, and culminated with a 2 night concert. I got to meet my favorite band of ALL time, Our Lady Peace. I made a bold move and took a solo vacation. It was one of the most incredible times I’ve ever had. When you travel alone, you really have to work to immerse yourself into a city’s culture and be more open to talking with and engaging strangers. That part was a bit scary at first, but along the way I met some pretty nice folks. Canadians are so nice it is ridiculous. It’s like they don’t know how awful people are in the countries underneath and beside them.

Sidenote: I have LOVED LOVED LOVED Our Lady Peace since I was in highschool. Meeting them was incredible, AND they were so nice, humble, and appreciative of their fans. Secretly I was worried that they might be jerk asses, but they were friggin fantastic! Can’t wait for their next album in 2011!

Honorable Mention - Boston

This trip was not a solo trip, I went with my brother, his GF, and their friend John. Boston is a fabulous city. We did WAY to much bar hopping. We also saw a real life Tea Party protest, which was unfortunate.

Favorite Movie - Black Swan

This year I went to the movies like it was my second job, kinda like I was somehow making money instead of spending money each time. I watch a lot of independent films and documentaries at the Angelika. I don’t always choose movies that will simply entertain and make me feel happy with a nicely buttoned up happy ending. There’s nothing wrong with happy endings per say, they are not just a requirement for me. (hahaha happy endings). Black Swan is such an incredibly acted movie; it’s elegant, dark, and visceral. The movie looks at perfection, stunted emotional growth and how an idea can completely consume a person, and force them to descend into madness. Greatness. Thank you Darren Aronofsky.

Honorable Mention (in no particular order, since I tried that and it was talking to too long to decide)

127 Hours

Inception

Inside Job

The Fighter

True Grit

The Social Network

Favorite CD - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

Just recently my Mom and I were cruising around town, listening to some tunes on my iPod, and she turned to me and said, “As professional as you are, you really listen to a lot of rap music.” I had no response, other than that maybe I am genetically predisposed to loving dope beats. I can’t explain it; I can’t defend it, but I STILL love hip hop. I also love cartoons (I watch Adult Swim on Cartoon network almost every evening) Maybe I will grow out of these things, at some point, but I doubt it. (I secretly hope I don’t though). I know that no one can love Kanye West more than Kanye West. However, I have been a Kanye fan since his first song “Through the Wire”. I was completely blown away by the creativity and risk he took on his his latest album. I think Mr. West has created his own genre of music.

Honorable Mention

How I Got Over – The Roots

The ArchAndroid - Janelle Monáe

Brothers – The Black Keys

So did you have any 2010 favorite things? Don’t all three of you jump in at once.

2010: In Review

2010-12-29T16:43:00.000-06:00

This year had many highs and lows but if I had to give the year a grade it would get strong C. The last 365 days were just average, but not great. I had some personal achievements this year but still not where I would like to be. I turned 30 this year. Milestone birthdays lend themselves to self evaluation. As I started going through the arbitrary checklist I created I was less than pleased with the results. Since I was a student for part of the year I used a letter grading system.

Professional: C+

I completed graduate school in May of this year. I was actually extremely proud of myself, and honestly thought it would lead to more/better job opportunities. Okay I have an MBA, my life is about to….STAY EXACTLY THE SAME. However, the 2010 job market has been less than promising. Many people lost their jobs this year, so I know I am fortunate. None of my attempts to find new opportunities led to anything. I am attempting to remain positive, but I get very worried about my future, since at some point I want to enjoy my work. Throughout the year I would have these outlandish thoughts about starting my own business, or becoming a professional comedy writer. Then I realized all this overwhelming disappointment has stolen my funny right out of my brain. It’s gone. For real.

Personal: D-

My stupid, stupid weight. I swear to God I have lost at least 250 pounds in my lifetime…..and then promptly gained it all back. Seriously, I lost 80 pounds a few years ago and gained back 40. However, this is to be expected since I have refused to deal with the emotional issues that cause me to eat so damn much. Wait, I don’t just really LOVE pizza and gummy bears?!? Mental note for 2011, try therapy.

Also dating. What’s that? Sometimes I get nervous that I will never find a husband and may not be able to move to the next step. In this sense I feel emotionally immature. There is a certain amount of “legitimate adult” that goes along with marriage and the whole bit. At this point, I might just marry the next dude that tries to holla at me when I am at Lowes (that seems to be the only place men approach me in public). I know that’s weird, but maybe there is just something super crazy sexy about a woman buying paint or air filters.

This year I did quite a bit or reading and researching about my personality type. Why? Mostly because I don’t feel normal. Research findings…I am an Introvert. An EXTERME introvert. That was not shocking, but it makes me understand why it is so difficult for me to make new friends. Everyone in my family and ALL of my friends (albeit a short list) are extroverts. It also makes me understand why I want to punch people in the face who tell me to “get out there more”. Stupid extroverts. Awww snap, was that you funny?!? It makes brief appearances every now and again. I am currently reading several books and will elaborate more on my personality more in a later post. Riveting, huh? I figure these little teasers could boost my blog hits up into double digits!

Okay that is all. Looking forward to better everything in 2011.

Abortion.

2010-12-20T21:12:00.002-06:00

Today, I made a donation to an organization in my area that provides help for single pregnant women. I had a car that I wanted to donate to a worthwhile organization, and after careful consideration, I decided I would donate to a crisis pregnancy center. I live in the south, everyone here is “pro life”, yet the scarcity of such crisis pregnancy centers that provide a safe place and resources for a young single woman are oddly rare. I have been troubled by this all day.

Abortion is a very polarizing issue with both sides having very passionate arguments about their feelings on the issue. You know, God-less liberals want abortions for everyone and God-fearing conservatives value human life above everything. These are the only stances on abortion by the way, and you better pick one. As a Christian, I have always wondered why I didn’t fit neatly in the Christian column on the abortion issue. It seems easy enough; if you are a Christian you must be pro-life. I have always felt like I was more pro-choice, much to the shock and disappointment of some of my closest Christian friends. I definitely understand that abortion is murder and would prefer for women not to have abortions, but as a Christian I just never saw how this was a legal issue. Abortion is legal now, but guess what? You can choose not to have an abortion. I’m not trying to be hilarious or anything, but what if abortion were to become illegal?

Now what Christians? As Christians, what are WE the body of Christ prepared to do to help all women CHOOSE LIFE? What are we doing now to help women make the courageous choice to CHOOSE LIFE, in the face of insurmountable odds, and less than perfect living situations? Choosing life is easy if you are a woman who is married to a loving husband, who gets pregnant and immediately has throngs of family and friends who can’t wait to shower you with baby gifts and their approval. What about the married couple who has several kids already and do not have the resources to care for another child? What about the teenager whose parents are pressuring her to have an abortion, so a child doesn’t ruin her young life. What about the unmarried woman in her twenties or thirties, who knows if she chooses to have her baby the father will want nothing to do with the child? What about the woman in an abusive marriage, who does not want to bring another child into the chaotic situation she and her other children are living in? It is not always so easy to CHOOSE LIFE.

I always think it’s interesting that the majority Christians are so pro-life, but can never articulate to me what they are specifically are doing to help women CHOOSE LIFE when the choice is not easy, not pleasant, and not desirable. As I type this I am asking myself, what more should I be doing to help women CHOOSE LIFE? Where is the compassion and the love that we as Christians are supposed to have toward everyone. Instead, there is judgment, about lifestyles and choices that a pregnant woman has made.

Obviously there is no easy answer for this topic but I feel that a REAL dialogue needs to start among Christians that moves beyond, "I am pro-life". Somewhere between “abortions for all” and “abortions for none” is where we as Christians need to focus our energy, love and attention.

Are you not entertained!?!

2009-05-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

Jon and Kate plus 8.

Before Monday the only parts of this show I ever saw were 10 to 20 second clips that were played on “The Soup” I’m not a huge fan of TLC, so that is probably why I never watched the show. The clips on “The Soup” were always hilarious, because I felt like I was watching caricatures. Kate was the nagging, shrill, drill sergeant wife, and Jon the beat down comatose husband, who acquiesced to her every whim. Ha Ha real funny. Recently however, because this show and the apparent demise of their marriage is getting so much media attention, I watched a little bit of the premiere this week, to understand what all the fuss is about.

Something struck me immediately; I am not comfortable with watching children on reality TV. Before you judge me as being self righteous, I am no means a TV snob; I can proclaim here today to the world that I watch the WORST reality TV shows ever. VH1. Do I need to say more? Okay I will, I have watched full and partial seasons, of Flavor of Love 1 and 2, Rock of Love, Charm School, and Tool Academy. Should I go on? Basically, these shows reach down to the dregs of the reality TV bin through cattle calls for wantabe stars. People, who probably came to LA with dreams of acting, but strip, do porn, wait tables or anything to make some money when the acting gigs are sparse. I watch these shows and feel no sympathy for these people, because these are adults who have chosen to have their lives recorded and manipulated in post production editing to create a caricature of who they really are. They are looking for fame in anyway they can find it. Since they are adults more power to them.

This brings me back to Jon and Kate; everyone seems to have an opinion. They hate Kate, or they hate Jon. I don’t know these people well enough to form an opinion about their relationship. What I do know is that these 2 adults made the decision to exploit their own family situation and children to hop on the TLC gravy train. Raising children is serious business and should be treated with the deference it deserves. What are Jon and Kate committed to now? Is it each other, their kids, or is it fame? I noticed tweets and Facebook status updates, and it seems as if the mood has shifted to sadness for this couple. Now this show has more attention surrounding it then ever. It’s so deliciously voyeuristic to watch the demise of a character. It’s easy make trite comments about how sad you are for them, and how you hope the marriage the media is trying to ruin is saved. The problem is we are watching real children who are not yet equipped to deal with the media firestorm that surrounds them. I will never tune into this show again.

Honestly I hope this show goes off the air soon, but guess what? It won’t. As sad as we “feel” we still would want to see the separation, the divorce. The show could be called, “Kate plus 8 & Jon every other visitation weekend”. I hope this couple can make the difficult decision to take themselves out of the spotlight, so their children do not have lasting emotional damage from this 5 year flirtation with fame. In the end it will not be worth it.

Back to the blog

2009-04-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog a few years ago, the focus was on my journey as I decided to change my lifestyle and lose weight. Over the last year or so, I haven’t had the desire to blog about weight loss. During 2008 I was completely captivated by the day to day election coverage and found myself wanting to discuss specifically religion and politics with everyone all the time. So, I find myself making the decision to move this blog in that direction. Popular culture, religion, politics, class, race, & gender. I may just use this as a general sounding board for topics I feel passionate about. Thanks for reading.

#44 President Barack Obama!!

2008-11-05T08:11:00.001-06:00

#44 President Barack Obama!!

Hope: I am the American Dream

2008-08-29T08:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a day that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.

I honestly never thought in my lifetime I would ever see a Black presidential candidate who received a Democratic or Republican Party nomination. I remember my exact words about one year ago regarding Barack Obama’s bid for the White House. “Obama seems like a smart guy, but there is no way he will ever get the Democratic nomination, this is America.” I said these words to my friend, who is also Black and we both agreed with my statement, without even giving it a second thought. We simply had accepted it as fact, that as Black Americans we would probably never get to see a person nominated for President of the United States who looks like us, even if they were just as talented and qualified as Presidential candidates before them.

I am not one to go around constantly complaining of what I can’t do because I am a minority, and how I will never get ahead because of the invisible (or not so invisible, in the South) hand of oppression and racism, quite the contrary actually. I have two well-educated parents, who have always stressed the importance of working hard, exceeding the minimum expectations required, and never giving up or giving in. My father is from Nigeria, and is a complete embodiment of the American dream. If you are willing to get the education, and put in the hard work with the understanding that you will always have to work twice as hard just to be equal to your non-minority counterparts you will have success in America. It always struck me as slightly unfair, but those are the breaks if you are a minority and want to be successful.

I came to terms with this as a teenager, and have always strived to do better than what is expected of me, in school I was pushed not to settle for just getting an A, but to try harder next time and get an A+. I carried this way of thinking and living with me to college, into my career, and now to graduate school. Along the way I was often ostracized by my own Black people for “acting white”, and still to this day as an almost 30 year old woman, I still here comments from Black people about how white I act/talk. This is still is difficult to hear, because In mind since I was 10 years old I have just been living the values that my parents have tried to instill in me.

As much as I heard my parents “work harder than the next guy” mantra, beat into my brain, and growing up and trying to live my life this way, I guess I never fully 100% bought into to it until yesterday. Everyday I wake up and try to do my very best to make the right choices, but in the depths of my heart I have doubts that at the end of my life it may have all been in vain, because even in, America the country I love I think I am still regarded as a second class citizen. I have lived a life in which I have been presented with discreet racism, overt racism, and I just try to ignore it fight through it, and remember what my parents have told me; get educated, work hard, always work to improve yourself. I have doubts that even though, I know I am smart, and capable, and will always been seen as less than.

I know there are famous Black people on television all the time, but I feel like as a nation, we rarely get to see Black people who have embraced higher education, taking personal responsibility, and working harder, to become successful. I know they are out their living their lives working hard, and having the same thoughts as me, but I didn’t get to see them. There are times when you think surely, there is a place where there are people like me and my family. Why do I never see these examples?

Obama’s story is especially important to me, because so often when people make generalizations about Black people, the assumptions are made that they are in their predicaments because of poor choices. What about all the Black Americans who make the right choices, and do whatever they can everyday to be “good citizens” their entire lives? What about the Black people like my father, and mother, and two brothers who work hard, get educated, never make excuses, but are faced with daily doubts and live in a country where you are constantly having to fight for a chance? Where you are fighting preconceived notions about your abilities, and always having to prove to others that you are capable, and intelligent, but still feel like an afterthought, or left feeling marginalized when you know you have good ideas, in spite of ALWAYS trying to do the right thing to be a good citizen.

I don’t always 100% agree with Obama’s policies or his voting record, but I truly believe he is a candidate that is aware of the areas in which he has weaknesses, and will staff to sure them up. We are 67 days away from Election Day, and no matter the outcome, I think I will remember the day of Barack Obama’s acceptance speech, even more than Election Day, because this was the day, for the first time in MY adult life that I felt included. This is the day, that for the first time in MY adult life that I sincerely believed that you can not give up hope. This is the day that for the first time in MY adult life I feel confident in not giving up, even in the face of being an afterthought to some people. This is the day, that for the first time in MY adult life I believe more strongly than ever in the importance of education and higher education.

I am the American Dream.

REALLY? It has come to this...

2008-07-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

Here’s the story

Woman Accused of Trading Sex for Gasoline
Wednesday, July 02, 2008

FORT WRIGHT, Ky. —

Police in northern Kentucky arrested a woman who officers say traded sex for gasoline.

Police in Fort Wright set up a prostitution sting and said one of the suspects they arrested engaged in sex for a $100 gasoline card and other gifts.

Angela Eversole, 34, of Fort Wright is charged with prostitution and doing business without an occupational license. She pleaded not guilty at a Tuesday arraignment.

Police also arrested a man they said paid Eversole. He is 50-year-old Kenneth Nowak of Avon, Indiana.

Kenton County prosecutor Ken Easterling said it's sad when people are selling their bodies for gas.

Couple of things jump out immediately from this brief but hilarious article. The alleged working girl was charged with prostitution and doing business without an occupational license. I want to fully understand what occupation she had other than whoring.

Gas is expensive, but people have whored themselves for less and this particular woman was also whoring for “other gifts”. I can’t help but wonder what these “other gifts” could have been. Maybe one of them was bread. Have you heard how expensive groceries are now? Bread has gone up in price by 6484631% since 1856. So maybe, just maybe she was whoring for bread as well as gas.

Maybe she was whoring for prescription medication. Have you heard that people with out health insurance, like whores and the elderly can barley afford their medication? So maybe if this woman didn’t whore she would have died. I wonder if the police stopped to even consider this before arresting her.

Have you heard that home foreclosures are up 565689% since the beginning of time, maybe this woman was whoring, because her adjustable rate mortgage increased and the one job wasn’t enough, and she didn’t have much free time so whoring seemed like the most efficient use of her time. Oh how I wish this article was longer, and if we could understand what would drive a woman to prostitution. Alas, there it not more info so I am left to assume it some how the result of the government (specifically Republicans), insurance companies, and the lack of universal healthcare.

QUICK HITS!!!

2008-06-29T11:54:00.001-05:00

Weight loss
”Maintaining is going so so. I make better choices about food all the time, and make little deals with myself everyday, to make sure my eating & emotions stay in check.

Life… personal and the other

School days
Only a brief 6 years after completing undergraduate work, I have decided to start work on my MBA. In January I officially became a student again. In an odd way it’s so very comforting…WHY? ? Because I can do school. I was the nerd who actually enjoyed going to school, I enjoy structure and schedules. I know, that is sexy! My first class was Marketing Management, and now summer school is kicking my ass. Right now at this moment I should be working on a paper on Supply Chain Management but instead I am blogging, I am going to cram hours in whenever I can, I should finish in December 2009 or May 2010.

Money
Two words. Dave Ramsey. If you have never heard of him you need to. I recently started “living like no one else” and I love it. Well I don’t always LOVE it, but when I am semi-retired at 40 and doing work I truly love I will be happy.

Work
What can I say, about work…I typically refrain from explicitly talking about work, because it brings me no joy. I am the type of person who would describe herself as one who lives to work rather than working to live. I keep thinking that one day I will happen upon some type of employment that will make me happy. I don’t necessarily think that is in “Corporate America”, as I suffer from two career restrictive afflictions; double jeopardy if you will; being a black lady and all. Also my life at work is a little bit like The Office in that I have mangers that are just like Michael Scott.

These were the quick hits from the last few months, all in all I am thankful, my life is good, I have my health and my family is GREAT, just getting a little bit off my chest.

Tomorrow is not promised

2008-04-29T22:32:00.000-05:00

On Monday a good friend of mine, Andy passed away. I am still completely in shock by his death, because he was such an unselfish, kind, and caring person. About 9 months ago Andy started attending the church I go to on a regular basis and the only solace I can take away from his unexpected passing is that he had a relationship with Christ and right now he is in a much better place. There are so many times that as a Christian, I don't always exhibit the best behavior or exemplify a good example of a Christian, but I know in my heart that I have accepted Christ as my Lord and savior and that if I were to die today I would see him in heaven.

At this point you might be thinking that the tone of this message is a bit crazy, and maybe it is the overwhelming grief talking, but I know that I have had opportunities to talk to my close friends about having a relationship with Christ, but pass on the opportunity because I don't want to look like "one of those Christians".

Today I have moved beyond my own selfish feelings of embarrassment to make sure I don't let those opportunities pass me by ever again. I started to think of my friends, that I really do love and care about deeply, but I am not sure about where they stand with Christ, and I have just been completely absorbed by this all day. If something were to happen to them, before they had a chance to accept Christ into their lives, I would feel completely devastated because there was an opportunity that I didn't try to use.

I know that as a Christian I am supposed to testify to others about Christ, but I have always been uncomfortable with it. Immediately it would conjure up images of people yelling scriptures at strangers, and telling them to repent or burn for all eternity if they did not, and I never wanted to be like that. Oddly enough, I actually spent about a year casually mentioning to Andy how fun and unique my church was and how he should check it out. I guess it didn't feel like testifying but in away it was.

Tomorrow is not promised, and if you were to leave this earth today, do you feel comfortable about your eternal resting place?

Sometimes I feel like a fraud

2008-03-17T20:32:00.001-05:00

I haven’t posted a blog in a very long time, the reason I started this blog, was to discuss my weight loss journey. After about 14 months of this I grew tired of fighting the weight loss battle, and having my entire life revolve around losing weight. At first it was great, I was very excited, and I did have GREAT results, I just became to unrealistic to keep the schedule I was maintaining.

I titled this post, “sometimes I feel like a fraud, because people are always making comments and giving me positive feedback about my weight loss, but in my mind, I know that I have really stopped trying. I haven’t stopped watching what I eat, but since June 2007 I have been gaining and losing the same 10 pounds over and over again, would I call that maintenance? I guess. I don’t secretly binge eat anymore, but I think about it all the time, which I guess is just part of dealing with addiction to anything, I’m not sure if you every are truly free of it, you just become more attune with your triggers and try to work through the times when you are tempted.

Happy New Year! Hello again, I’ve missed you too!

2008-02-08T15:37:00.000-06:00

Dear blog, it’s been so long since we have talked, I have gotten busy with life and forgotten about you, I apologize and for abandoning you especially during the holidays. I am the worst, but I have so much to catch you up on!!!

Random: Party of one!

2007-10-11T14:03:00.001-05:00

I am 27
I am 100% Aries
I love being a girly girl
I am a complete smart ass
I love that I am a smart ass, and you should too
I am incredibly impatient
I love Jesus
I don’t always love Christians
I am a hard worker
I despise laziness
I don’t believe in excuses, don’t try to do something; just do it
I am probably one of the funniest people you will ever meet
I am one of the most depressed people you will ever meet
I love all types of music
I can listen to the same song on repeat for days and then never again
I am a good judge of character
I love perfume
I hate doing dishes
I love vacuuming
I am allergic to almost everything in that occurs in nature
I get bored with things/people/places very quickly
I can be a jerk
I can cut you to the quick with a perfectly timed rude comment
I love Crown Royal
I think I’m cute
I think I’m hideous
I love my brothers and would do anything for them
I don’t have many friends
I take the word friend very seriously
I am guarded
I know I am guarded, I like being this way
I secretly love baking
I am passive aggressive
I love VERY gory horror movies
I love cartoons
I am a registered Independent
I sometimes think I might be a Libertarian (that’s scary)
I want to fall in love
I don’t know if I fully believe in the idea of finding “the one”
I am very deliberate and over think everything
I am jealous of people who don’t over think everything
I am VERY loyal to people I love and care about
I have a hard time forgiving people (it’s almost impossible)
I will be completely honest with you, even if it’s not pleasant
I want people in my life to be completely honest with me, even if it’s not pleasant
I think chips and salsa can be a meal
I always fall asleep when I watch movies in my living room
I love my dog, but don’t really like dogs

I have a type A personality
I am selfish
I like reading
I don’t like driving
I love the news and current events
I am me

RANT - If I am so awesome, someone please explain to me why I am still single?

2007-09-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

I actually started drafting this post, around the same time my married friend Kim posted a blog about being married, and her views on being single, now having experienced both. This is a topic have been thinking about for a long time now. If by my friends and families accounts, I am "so great" then why in the hell am I still single? Are they lying to me to make me feel better? Everywhere I go I see people coupled up, and I don’t really have too many single friends. So it begs the question, which is the title of this post. What am I doing/not doing that is caused me to remain single for so long? Why won’t anyone in my life be straight with me, when I ask the question? There has to be a reason, or something that I am completely missing the point on that people in relationships or married people understand.

If I hear one more person say “You’ll find the right person eventually”, or “Just don’t think about it: don’t look for anyone and then you will meet someone” I will actually throw up in my mouth a little bit. Oh, and then there’s my absolute favorite; “Men are/might be intimidated by you because you have your shit together” Since when is having your shit together an unappealing quality or a slash mark in the “reasons not to date me” list that someone would put together? Completely insane! I realize people think they mean well when they say these things, but consoling me with illogical clichéd remarks aren’t helpful.

I do know that I have grown painfully tired of being single, and the feeling of having to go at everything, from the mundane, to important stuff alone. Honestly, I think everyone wants to feel like they matter quite a bit to one person, sort of like a two person team. Someone who cares about what is going on in your life, and can be counted on when you need them. It would be so nice to have someone in my life to take to a friggin party, wedding, or just sit around and watch movies and other pettily activities like that. Having friends is great, but when it comes down to it, you are not the number one person in their life, and if they are not single, as most of my friends are, the time you spend with them is scarce. I know that being in relationship inherently comes with a whole new set of problems and concerns to deal with, but if you are fortunate enough to find yourself in a mature, loving, and healthy relationship the good would outweigh the bad.

I tell myself that I have to stay positive, and all that stuff. I do I try to remind myself that I will find a great guy one day, and that I just have to make sure I am doing everything I can in the meantime make myself the best possible person I can be. I will continue down that path, in hopes that it won’t be for much longer.

Lukewarm…when will my life begin?

2007-08-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

Early last week I was talking to my mother on the phone on the way home from work. I talk to my Mom about 2 to 3 times a week. Mostly brief conversations where she listens to me bitch, whine and complain about something. “Aren’t moms great?” During this particular conversation my Mom told me I sounded lukewarm, and she was concerned. Mostly because I am usually hot or cold, black or white, happy or sad, one extreme or the other, never one to just straddle the fence or reside in the middle. My mom really does know me, I have been lukewarm for the last two months or so. I have tried to pinpoint what could be causing it, and for the most part my life is good. I have my health, my family, and I was fortunate enough to be born in America. On a macro level, life is GREAT. I don’t want to whine when God has blessed me with so much, and I hesitate to openly complain on my blog.

The reality is that the day to day is lived at the micro level, and on a micro level I’m not currently pleased with my life. I also realize that I am ultimately responsible for any changes that need to/should take place, but I am 27 years old and I don’t even feel like my life has begun. I still feel like I am waiting for a catalyst to spark to finally get my life started. I'm not too pleased with my professional or my personal life, and for the first time ever, I really don’t care. I have no passion. It’s like I have just decided to settle for the mediocrity that is currently my life. Maybe this is what “life” is. Not everything is exciting, spectacular and amazing. You go to college so you can work. Work isn’t that fun, unless of course you work at a toy or fireworks factory. I’m not sure how to deal with this current phase. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m just kinda going through the motions. I imagine this is what most people do everyday, at least that’s what I will tell myself, so I don’t feel like such passionless loser.

Dogs are not people: Racism, Michael Vick, and why America has its head up its ass.

2007-08-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

I have been following the Michael Vick dog fighting case very closely. Since the story fist broke, that Vick may have been involved, I immediately knew he was involved, yeah I jumped to conclusions, turns out I was right though. For what ever reason, Vick and his friends love to fight and kill pit bulls. Rather than to stop his involvement after signing a $130M contract he continued to participate in what appears to be a family pass time.

I only became completely enraged when I found out the plea deal included prison. PRISON, for dog fighting! Then, I became even more enraged when immediately black people almost simultaneously on talk radio stations, in beauty shops and barbershops, and bars pulled the race card. Please listen closely: and I make this next statement as an awesome black woman. Black people, everything slightly unpleasant that happens to you or other black people is not automatically racism! Vick did break the law. OJ damn near cut two people’s heads off and didn’t see the prison time that Vick will see. Maybe OJ should have killed that dog at the crime scene to get some prison time since the two dead people weren’t enough. I hate that racism is always the first place we take it. Yes racism is real, I live in the south so I am not disillusioned into thinking racism went away in the 80’s or anything,I know it is very much alive and well, but Vick’s case it not about racism.

America has its head so far up its own ass, they are missing the significance of this case entirely.
Please note that I make the next statement as a proud owner of a 7lb Maltese who probably lives and is cared for better than some children in 3rd world countries and is the cutest and most amazing dog ever!

Vick is accused of fighting and killing dogs, just dogs. Yes, just dogs. He will probably end up spending time in prison for murdering dogs. Why are our priorities so out of whack America? Yes, dog murder is deplorable, and I agree that Vick should have some punishment, but he is Michael Vick for goodness sakes, hit him with a ridiculously high fine, and make him volunteer at the ASPCA for the rest of his life or something. I know what you dog lovers are thinking: dogs are helpless creatures, and provide loyal companionship and yadda, yadda yadda But seriously prison, when there are real scumbags out there who commit real crimes against truly helpless people (children) who will either never be prosecuted, or will receive a slap on the wrist as punishment when they are brought to trial?

There are so many PEOPLE and CHILDREN who are victims of crimes whose perpetrators will not see as much prison time as Vick. I wish we could go find a social worker in just one major metropolitan city to tell us some of the horror stories of crimes against children and the elderly that either go unpunished or barley punished.

I am tired of hearing about Vick on the news, he is one case of one young man who made poor choices and kept friendships with the wrong group of people, but he didn’t kill anyone, he didn’t ruin a child’s life. He fought and killed dogs, just dogs. Dogs are not people and as a society we should care more about protecting the well being of people than we do animals.

Fear of being thin? Seriously?!? Nothing scary ‘bout being sexy…I think?

2007-08-14T15:27:00.000-05:00

What’s the payoff for you? People are ultimately concerned about their own self interests. As I dig myself out of the 60 day slump I have been in, I had to ask myself; what is the payoff for staying fat? On the surface, it appears to be a ridiculous question, there’s nothing cool about being a fat ass. Hey not so fast!

Fellas, and dudes and guys. Oh my!

During part of my lazy summer, that was filled with eating cheeseburgers & Nathan’s World Famous Hotdogs, not going to the gym that often and gaining a few pounds, I got more attention from the opposite sex than I have in a lifetime. Who would have thought after peeling back all the layers of fat, underneath was a pretty cute chick? I know I’m shocked too! A good friend of mine who is also my workout buddy (when I’m not being powerful lazy) posed a very shocking question to me last week. “Are you afraid of being thin?” Ha! Ha! Ha! I immediately responded. No such thing. That’s tantamount to being afraid of winning the lottery, or being afraid of having naturally perfect beautiful straight white teeth, or being afraid that the new job you just interviewed for will only offer you 40% more in salary than you requested. Basically not a legitimate fear.

Of course, like with most things, after I thought about it, I had to concede that maybe she had a point. Honestly, I don’t think I’m afraid of being thin, but I am only 40 pounds away from my goal, and I’m acting like I’m 400 pounds a way from it. Guess what? PEOPLE CAN SEE ME NOW!! Weight loss is kinda an oxymoron when you think about it, the smaller I get, the more visible I become!! Before losing weight I had these awesome fantasies of dating 3 or more guys at once, going out and partying all the time, really just reveling in the super hot chick I would ultimately become. When my fantasies started to become not so far fetched anymore (i.e., could turn into realties), I really didn’t want to live them. I totally chickened out.

Immediately I turned to “the internets” (hey, that’s how our President says it, and since I love America, I will say it the same way) and tried to find out how many Yahoo support groups existed for this debilitating disease of wanting to stay a giant fat ass. Seriously though, I did find some interesting articles regarding how losing substantial amounts of weight will force you to examine your own negative self image, self esteem issues, challenges, and changes you want to make in your life. This is essentially uncharted territory for me. I didn’t have the luxury of being thin at one time and then somehow just blowing up over the course of a lifetime, I have always been chubby, pleasing plump, and then just really fat. I have spent my whole life in some stage of “overweightness”.

The reason I want to stay fat is…

yeah couldn’t really come up with any reasons, because I have decided that there is no longer any payoff for me. I have decided that I will keep winning at losing.

People respect you as much as much as you respect yourself : Why I understand Monique's F.A.T chance now

2007-07-31T10:46:00.001-05:00

Last week I watched the entire show/contest that Monique has for full-figured women. When I was heavier and I first heard of this show about two years ago, I was immediately disgusted and refused to watch a moment of it. Why? I suppose for the same reason a lot of people have issues with larger women. Those women should lose weight. Why are the reveling in their fatness? They need to stop eating so damn much and exercise, they shouldn’t be proud that they are a "plus size".

Over the weekend I watched this show with completely different eyes, with a whole new set of thoughts, emotions and judgments. The women who ultimately made it to Paris for the runway show were all larger women, who had self confidence issues because of their size. I watched these women transform in a “TV week”, (about 2 hours) into women who loved themselves more and were confident enough to strut down the catwalk in cute outfits, and beautiful evening gowns. As I watched their transformation, I became a little envious of their ability to put themselves out there and not be ashamed of themselves because of their size. The ability to exude beauty and confidence even if society tells them they are not beautiful based on typical American standards really impressed me.

As a woman, so much of your worthiness as a person is sometimes judged on how you look, but even if you are a size 4 or a size 24, you can still be incredibly insecure about yourself and abilities. Guess what people? The way you feel about yourself on the inside affects your life and relationships more than you could imagine. The feelings you carry around about yourself can be easily picked up by others. I’m learning that more and more each day.

ALERT: Today I’m one bad sista. Why because I said so!

2007-07-30T13:51:00.001-05:00

Stop what you are doing, and note the time and date, becasue I have a NEWS FLASH. I feel pretty today. I know I'm shocked to.

Seriously though, I spent a good part of the weekend thinking about all the things I should be happy about. I have admittedly hit a stall out point; I haven’t lost any weight since June. I don’t feel bad about this, but people around me keep reminding me that I still have weight to lose. No shit, I will always have weight to lose, I’m a woman. There is encouragement, and then there is judgment: commenting on what I’m eating, and why I shouldn’t be eating it, and asking why I don’t go to the gym 6 days a week anymore. None of your effin business that's why. I still exercise 3 to 4 times a week, but did anyone think I could maintain that previous level of exercising indefinitely? My body was starting to tell me to chill out. (i.e.; the chronic fatigue and muscle soreness, skin problems for the first time ever in my life, and hair loss, you heard me HAIR LOSS) Yeah, all the shitty stuff you don’t hear about excessive exercise.

The bottom line is I want to be happy.

I was not happy when I was 80 lbs heavier, and I’m happier now that I’m 80 lbs lighter. Will I be even happier if I lose and additional 10, 20, 30 or 40 more pounds, probably, but it’s not a guarantee. I’m starting to figure out that I didn’t really like myself too much when I started my weight loss journey, and today, I don’t know if I truly like myself anymore than I did a year ago.

Losing weight isn’t a magic fix it all. I wish someone would have told me that 14 months ago. So maybe the next change that needs to take place is from the inside out. There’s an amazing concept.

The hiatus is over! Oh, and I still hate the gym.

2007-07-06T12:01:00.000-05:00

Big surprise there!

I haven’t posted in a while, but I did go back to the gym (my part time job) last Friday, June 29th. The break was good. I’m glad I took it, even though it has cost me a few pounds, because for some reason during the month of June I thought cheeseburgers were a food group I needed more of; the peace of mind, and not stressing over the gym everyday has been nice.

It wasn’t a very triumphant return however. I immediately was reminded of why I took the time off. All the feelings came flooding back to me, I did a less than stellar 30 minutes on the elliptical and left. I haven’t been back since, but I have been exercising a ton. I have been running more, and I have decided that running either outdoors or on a treadmill is the best exercise for me.

Running is hard on the body, and when I was running 5 or 6 times a week I had a constant dull ache in my left knee at all times, but I felt and looked great. My legs and thighs were nice and tight, my stomach was flat, I just looked good. The hiatus made me realize that it’s not the gym that’s going to make the difference as I try to lose the last 40 pounds. I have to stay committed to exercise, and not half assed exercise, intense calorie burning exercise.

I'm sure in two weeks I'll be whining about how running is too hard and my knees hurt, but when I do, someone please remind me of this post...

Abusive relationships: If food were a guy, I would have totally broken up with him by now

2007-06-25T10:51:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, eating your feelings is not as delicious as it sounds. I had a very bad weekend, and I don’t know what’s been going on with me for the last few weeks. I am losing my dedication. I know I’m not a helpless bystander that is forced to just watch as my dedication slips away, but I for some reason, I’m not bouncing back as quickly from slip ups as I have in the past. The poor food choices started Thursday, and rather than stopping and getting back on track at the next meal, Thursday snowballed into Friday, then Saturday and Sunday, and the whole weekend was a waste. I only worked out once, and pretty much ate whatever I wanted, while not journaling a thing.

I keep looking for some outside source to come through and magically re-energize me with the focus I had this time a year ago. Honestly, I really just want this whole thing to be over, I finally would like to be in a space where I don’t have to be neurotically counting every calorie that goes in my body. I understand that's not a possibility as I still have 40 pounds to go, and a lifetime of maintenance ahead of me.

I want to break up with food.

Oh, if it were only that easy. Smokers can get the patch, alcoholics can completely give up booze, and crackheads can just put down the pipe. There is no "healthy balance" that needs to be formed with one and their heroin addiction, you just cut it out of your life, break up with it. Knowing that food is necessary to sustain life functions, I wish I could I just have a normal relationship with it and make choices that are not based on how happy/sad/lonely/tired/stressed/ depressed I am.

The realization that this may never happen sucks the most, and there are times, this weekend for example when I feel so isolated. I know that I have people, who are very supportive, but it is difficult for me to reach out. I hate having this insane character flaw which continues to kick my ass on a regular basis.

I guess all I can do is just start over (again) today.

Week 56 – Free your mind and your skinny ass will follow!

2007-06-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

Just so we are all clear, in my brain, I’m very much still a fatty. I never believed stories of people who lost significant amounts of weight, who would say I pretty much feel the same. Impossible!!! You look like a completely different person, so why don’t you feel different. Well now I totally get it.

I’ve spent many years saying to myself, “When I lose weight, I’ll ___________”,”If I were smaller I would try_________”. Over the last three weeks or so I have been realizing that on some level my weight allowed me to essentially make excuses for myself, or to forgo trying new things or taking on new challenges and endeavors. This is actually pretty shocking to me because I think I am a pretty driven person, but maybe not as much as I thought.

I also haven’t really become that comfortable yet in my “new skin”, I have this fear that I will just wake up one day and be 80 pounds heavier again, because I ate pizza or something the night before. Crazy, I know, but I never claimed to not be crazy. This adjustment has been the most difficult I think, just because I really don’t know who the “new me” is yet. Initially, much of my weight loss battle was fought in front of the fridge, or on the treadmill, but now the new frontier of my weight loss battle is going to be the battle in my head.

I still need to lose 40 more pounds, and the 40 I have left to go are freaking me out more than the 80 that’s already gone. 12 months ago I couldn’t have foreseen this, but I knew going in that this was a journey, not a destination and that along the way I would run into challenges.

At WI this week I was up a pound, it’s deserved gain though. I ate a bit too much over the weekend. I’ll just step up the workouts over the next 10 days, cut back on the food and try to closeout the month strong!

I “heart” Bear Grylls

2007-06-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

I spent a good part of the day on Sunday watching the Man vs Wild marathon on the Discovery channel. If you haven’t seen this show, you don’t know what you are missing. This super human man, Bear Grylls is the most amazing survivalist I have ever seen. He’s jumping into a frozen lake, squeezing water out of elephant dung to prevent dehydration in the deserts of Kenya, cooking delicious fish while stranded on a deserted island, and he is completely captivating while doing all of this.

I also can not get past how amazingly hot he looks while he does all this stuff, how is it possible for a man to be completely covered in mud in a jungle and possibly suffering from dysentery, but still be so attractive? Could it be the British accent? Maybe, but I think it could be something else….

In an age of metrosexuals, and guys using more product in their hair than you, Bear is a breath of fresh air, because he’s a man, a real man who can get down and dirty and could save his own life if necessary, without worrying if he may stain or wrinkle his new Banana Republic chinos in the process.

After watching hours of Bear survive in complete uninhabitable conditions, I immediately decided that I must some how contact him and marry him immediately. Unfortunately someone beat me to it years ago, and Bear has a wife and two kids.
http://beargrylls.blogspot.com/

Oh well, the new season of Man vs Wild has started, so I guess that will have to suffice…

Week 55 - Kim

2007-06-14T16:12:00.001-05:00

For the most part I purposely don’t let myself get too attached to people. Other than my immediate family and one or two other friends that I have had for years, people are inherently flaky, so when they fade in and out of my life doesn’t really bother me.

Until I met Kim.

Kim started working at the same company as me about two years ago, our jobs required us to interact very little, but for some reason we talked quite a bit at work, and eventually started hanging out outside of work. Kim was one of the coolest people I had met in a very long time. She is hilarious, loves current events almost as much as me, and never makes excuses for herself or anyone around her. I enjoy Kim’s candor, and her love of the Lord.

Kim has been such an amazing support for me over the last year, as I have made many changes to improve myself and my health. She is someone I can trust completely and depend on totally when times are good and bad. She will always listen when I just want to whine about not being able to have a Starbucks Mango Pineapple Empanada or some or some other high calorie dessert. We share the same “sometimes twisted” sense of humor, and our time together is always 87% laughter with 13% of actual talking peppered in between. My relationship with Kim, made me want to become a better Christian, and I made improvements in that area of my life over the last year and a half as well.

I think Kim was my first real adult friendship, so when I found out she was moving I was crushed. I didn’t talk about it much with her, other than to joke about how I would convince Gideon to tell her not to leave or how I would try to sabotage the move.

I went to see her on Tuesday; her last night in D-town before her early morning flight, and it was definitely hard. (I was pretty awesome though, I didn’t cry when we said our goodbyes, but the ride home, well that was a different story). I am going to miss Kim so much. Work already sucks a little bit more each day. Yes, I am losing an amazing friend in Dallas, but I couldn’t be happier for Kim and her family. Going back and having the support and love of family will be the best thing for little G rock and the kids to come, so that makes me happy.

What this means for me is I will have to keep my eyes open for cheap flights to Omaha, which is cool, I could use more frequent flier miles.

Love ya Kim

No gym for 30 days, you can’t lose weight like that!!

2007-06-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

Let me make something perfectly clear, I HATE THE GYM. I realize that HATE is a strong word, and should be reserved for things that are truly deplorable, i.e., I HATE Terrorists, I HATE people who hurt children, I HATE our country’s dependence of foreign oil, but I really HATE the gym. Last year when I started working out I figured I would grow to love it, but alas, that magic feeling never came. Month after month I would go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week, just hating every moment: the sights, the smells, the sounds, everything!! Everyday around 4:00pm at work I would start to think about the trip to the gym that was imminent and I would start to get a little pissed.

I finally “snapped” on May 29th, after going to the gym, changing clothes, and starting in on my 1 hour of cardio, ten minutes into it, I thought this sucks, I’m out and left. I have never done this before, so I decided I needed a break from the gym. Not a break from exercise, just a respite from the gym. The next day I started my 30 day gym hiatus. Today is Day 16 of the 'break', and I feel great!! I have been walking and swimming and doing weights at my parents’ house, so I am still getting 5 to 6 days of cardio, just in a different environment. Most importantly, I’m still losing weight.

This is just what I needed. Yes, I will go back to the gym, because I need pilates and kickboxing class, but for now I’m loving the break!!!

You're the Boss GPS!!

2007-06-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me well also knows that my sense of direction could be better. Okay, it sucks out loud at times. It’s difficult, very difficult for me to find my way to new places, for the most part always get lost on the way there, or on the way back. Or both! I compensate for this deficiency by leaving incredibly early, and allowing myself a hour to get somewhere, that would take most non directionally challenged people 20 minutes. I do this so I never have to own up to my ridiculous disability.

Oh I Mapquest, but half the time Mapquest is telling you to turn on streets that don’t even exist, and have you ever tried reading you Maquest directions at night while on the highway, in the pouring rain, its kinda safe, but not really.

Over the weekend I was inspired by my friends’ Garmin GPS . My friend Teresa, who I have known since the 6th grade, may have a worse sense of direction than me, but on Saturday she was driving everywhere and getting there with amazing accuracy thanks to Garmin!!! My impetuous Aries nature made me need this item right away. I figured it would make a GREAT reward to myself for losing 80 pounds, (I try to reward myself with non food items every ten pounds), Even though a reward of Krispy Kreme donuts seems like a great idea, its not.

I immediately jumped on to amazon.com and after a few clicks, and free two day super saving shipping I am now the proud owner of a Garmin Nuvi 350 Pocket Vehicle GPS Navigator and Personal Travel Assistant.

It is the BEST investment I have ever made, this thing is like magic, how did I live without it!?!?!

RANT - Hey jerk ass, It’s gonna take a while to lose a 122 pounds!

2007-06-06T09:07:00.000-05:00

A fortune cookie I opened last week read as follows, “Demonstrate refinement in everything you do”. “Okay, whatever you say future-telling Chinese treat.” I’m a classy lady, and usually try to act in a refined composed manner, a lesson learned from my mother, and one which the cookie reinforced.

The past 13 months have been such an emotional journey, testing my will and character more than I could have ever imagined. For all the encouragement and support that I have found in family, close friends, acquaintances, drinking buddies, people who are essentially strangers (i.e, my nail lady and my cleaning lady both have complimented me on the weight loss) I still catch a rash of shit from someone in my family about my weight loss.

Let me clarify, for years (since I was nine years old) this person would constantly berate me about my weight. Pretty crazy because now I would love to be back at that 1989 weight, I digress. Even now with clear progress made, 81 pounds worth (just had to throw that in there) they still have comments... "if I wasn’t so stubborn and would listen to their advice, I could have lost XX more weight by now." "I just have to do things my way." "I don't listen." these are just a few of the insane comments that have been directed my way.

Are you effin kidding me?

Since I try to avoid confrontation and conflicts, I just let these comments go without saying anything, I'm a classy lady remember?

Show of hands, who knows someone who has lost over a hundred pounds, without the aid of surgery and kept it off !?! Go ahead think about it, I’ll wait. So what did you come up with? Nothing. Figures? Losing weight is hard, keeping it off is harder, so only a complete moron would try to crash diet their way to 122+ pound weight loss.

This isn’t my first attempt at weight loss, but as God as my witness I want to make it my last. I haven’t done this for anyone’s approval, nor do I want ridiculous weight loss and diet advice. After years of quick fixes I have decided to make a complete lifestyle change. So yeah, my weight loss may not be as fast as some people think it should be, but I don’t give a damn. I’m happy with my progress because I’m doing this for me.

Week 54 - 81 pounds!!!

2007-06-05T20:50:00.000-05:00

Today I was down 2 pounds at weigh in.
81 pounds GONE!!

I rock my face off!

I'll be celebrating with pizza and cupcakes!! J/K

Week 53 - Enjoy the moment, there’s always time to get to the “next BIG thing”

2007-06-01T11:03:00.000-05:00

The natural tendency we all have inside of us is to focus on the next big thing, rather than enjoying what we have, and what we have accomplished. This is by no means an excuse to rest on your laurels and live in the past, but it can be beneficial to occasionally stop and take stock of what you have accomplished. I needed this post today, because this past week I have been so focused on losing two friggin pounds to get to 80 pounds down for my "1 year anniversary or whatever", and ended driving myself a little nuts. In the end, I lost only 1 pound and ended the year at 79. I was bummed out, and feeling sorry for myself, until I realized that 79 is still awesome, and I should be celebrating how great this year has been.

The number on the scale is important, but it’s just a number. It doesn’t always truly reflect the progress that you have made. So I started thinking about non scale improvements I have made in the last year, and this is what I came up with:

Then: BMI was 47.1
Now: BMI is 33.9

Then: Clothing size was a snug 22, and I was only able to shop @ plus size stores
Now: Clothing size is 12/14, and I have WAY more options!! Shopping is fun again!! And I can always find a t-shirt with a slightly funny off beat saying on it!!!

Then: I was eating fast food several times a week, and consuming around 2500 to 3000 calories a day! (Whoa!!)
Now: I still eat out, but lean meats, fruits and veggies are part of each meal And I eat around 1500 calories a day. (Healthier choices are available everywhere; you just have to be creative!)

Then: I started exercising and was struggling to walk a brisk 2 miles
Now: I exercise 5 to 6 days a week, and I run 2 miles at the beginning of my workouts to get my HR up so I can do the elliptical for 45 minutes!!

Then: I was couldn’t run for more than 2 minutes @ 4.5 mph
Now: I have completed 5 separate 5K races, improving my time in each race.

As I typed out this "Then & Now" list it really hit home for me that, I shouldn't give the scale as much power as I do. I'm healthier, more active and these are things that the scale can't tell you.

79 pounds GONE! That is awesome! I'm proud of myself!

Week 52 - Why does the SCALE still control my life?

2007-05-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a less than stellar weigh in. I only lost .8 pounds. Yeah, yeah it’s a loss, better than a gain, but I was disappointed. I have been working so hard, and sticking to my points so well over the last two weeks. I expected a 3 pound loss at a minimum, so when I saw that I lost less than a pound I was less than thrilled.

After weigh in I was supposed to go work out with my little brother, but I was so disgusted I just ate some lasagna and garlic bread at my parents house. Still after almost a year, I let the scale have this much control over me and almost immediately retreated to food. If I had been slacking off with my workouts or not counting points I would not be upset, because I would have deserved it, but it just sucks to know that you are doing everything right and still .8 is the best I could get.

I have almost been in WW one year, Tuesday May 29th will be my 1 year anniversary weigh in, and I so wanted to be 100 pounds down by now. I feel a slight bit of failure because I am only down 78 pounds. Yes, I had some slip ups during the last year, and I can’t help but wonder, what if? What if I exercised more? What if didn’t cave to my cravings as much? What if counted points better, etc, etc, etc. Then maybe I would be greeting this anniversary with a 100 pound loss instead of where I am today, 78 pounds.

So the short term goal is now to lose two pounds in the next week, no matter what. I am going to kick up the working out and eat more fruits and veggies for the next 5 days.

80 pounds down in the 1st year!!!! I will get there.

Week 51 - You can not lose weight all by yourself…Duh

2007-05-18T09:27:00.000-05:00

It’s funny to think that all the other attempts I made at weight loss were almost always done in secret. Let me explain, I would decide to try a new “diet”, but I would not tell anyone, this may go back to the whole fear of failure thing, who knows. I would embark on a new diet, without any type of support system. I always thought that was the way to go, oh how wrong I was. This time has been different, because when I started almost a year ago I did tell some people. I didn’t go blasting it from the rooftops, but I did tell some people who I could trust. Also, my family knew, but I’ll get into why I don’t always think they (specifically my parents, as well intentioned as they are) are the best support in another post. Honestly there are two people who I feel have been so incredibly supportive and interested in my weight loss journey, that I thank God for them everyday.

The first, which may seem unlikely; is my 15 year old brother. What! What! What! A teenager who could stop being so self involved for one moment! I know I’m shocked too! Seriously though, my little brother has always been acutely aware of how much pain and sadness being overweight has caused me, but he was always supportive and encouraging. Even now, he is my biggest fan, and always eager workout buddy. He has participated in a couple of 5K's with me. Even though he can run a 6 minute mile he will maintain a snails pace with me to provide encouragement throughout the race. That is amazing!!

Another incredibly supportive person has been my friend Kim, she is a tough no-excuses chick, and would always make me hold myself accountable. It was great that she was at work with me, especially during the beginning. She is always encouraging, without being coddling. She always forces me to be realistic, about goal setting, and celebrates my losses with me. I was so fortunate that God put her in my life during this last year.

So bottom line, with anything in life you must have a support system. I guess you live and learn.

Respect it!!!

2007-05-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

“Each of you should learn to control his own body. Keeping it pure and treating it with respect"

1 Thessalonians 4.4

R E S P E C T! …I always think of the Aretha Franklin song. You better make sure you are getting respect from the people around you. Just yesterday, I thought maybe we should think of this song as an anthem to how WE should be treating ourselves. I’ll share my “ah ha” moment. Yesterday at work there was tons food left over from a meeting, tons of food. Pasta salad swimming in mayo, Caesar salad swimming in dressing, chicken salad, and a giant fruit salad. This huge spread, was leftover and was going to be thrown away. I mentioned to the receptionist that I wish I could take some home, she said, take whatever you like, so I took the entire fruit salad. I didn’t even consider taking or tasting the other food in front of me.

It didn’t even hit me until later that evening, the significance of what took place.

I finally have enough RESPECT for myself and my body to make better choices, and not think of it as a burden, For the last 2 and a half weeks I have been doing really well with my eating and exercising, not succumbing to temptation, and wanting to making smart food choices, even in the face of fattening-delicious goodness.

I realized yesterday, that my long term success will be contingent on the amount of respect I have for my body, and that is incredibly powerful. The relationship you have with your body is just like any relationship you would have with a person, if it is not built on a solid foundation of respect it will be an unhealthy relationship, which will inevitably take a negative toll on your body, mind and spirit.

Boot Camp, Body Wraps and Babies

2007-05-12T09:29:00.000-05:00

250! 135! 7! What is the significance of these numbers?

250- the number of pushups I did at boot camp today. Over half of these were real push ups, not “on your knees girl push-ups” I really pushed myself today, and boot camp totally kicked my ass. Although it is a lot easier with 77 less pounds on my body. For the first time at boot camp I started to feel like a fairly decent participant. Even though I still finished last in each activity…running bleachers, 200 yards worth of lunges, hundreds of pushups, squat thrusts and bear crawls, I didn’t feel so bad about it, because I know I have made improvement .

135 – the amount of money I spent to get a “Power Body Wrap” at the Body Wrap Shop. It was a crazy experience; my whole body was wrapped up like a mummy in bandages. I booked this appointment about 3 weeks ago, and in all honesty, kinda thought it might be a scam, but after being wrapped up for an hour, I had a total of 11 inches lost!! Whoa. 1 inch from each thigh!! So I guess its not completely a scam. I may do it again.

7- the number of pounds little baby Gideon weighs. I ended the day by visiting my friend Kim and her new baby. I got to hold him for an hour, he is so peaceful and sweet. I am going to cherish all the time I can spend with Kim and her family in the next month.

God really blessed me with a wonderful day today. It’s so easy to dwell on all the things you wish you could do, rather than enjoying and appreciating what you are doing. I hate to sound cliché or trite, but for some reason it really hit me to day that I have SO much to be thankful for, and I am truly blessed.

Week 50 - Who’s that girl?

2007-05-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

So as I type this post today, I am wearing a size that I haven’t been able to fit since I was 18 years old. I LOVE this side effect of weight loss, smaller clothes. It’s a great feeling, but it’s also incredibly frightening. Being overweight for so long is comforting in a way. The extra pounds provide a buffer from the outside world. It keeps a lot of people at a distance because most people are fat people adverse.

So much of how I still identify myself is as the “fat girl”, the funny girl, who has friends who are guys, but no “real” boyfriends. The girl who other girls aren’t threatened by, because she’s overweight and won’t be stealing any attention away from them at the bar. Even as I sit here knowing I am 75 pounds lighter than I used to be, and in the best shape of my life, inside I am very much still a fat girl. It’s hard for me to even see my own progress in the mirror each day, so I must rely on pictures to actually visually understand my progress, crazy huh?

I have come to resent some the attention and praise I have been getting from people; it’s as if I am some how better than I was 75 lbs ago. Yeah I’m better looking on the outside, but the inside is still the same. Every time I update my myspace page I get messages and add requests from random dudes! Fuck you! I don’t want that type of attention. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people in my life who have know me for years, and understand my weight loss struggle and are genuinely happy and proud of me, and I couldn’t be more thankful for them. They are true friends in every since of the word.

I knew that as a started to lose weight, that much of this battle to continue to lose and to keep the weight off would be in my head, I guess I didn’t really appreciate how hard it would be.

Stay the course

2007-05-03T08:49:00.000-05:00

This has been a really hard year for me, counting calories, the exercise, the controlling my bingeing, the working through all the emotional garbage that I have ignored for almost a decade. Hard, hard, hard, but I started thinking it's always going to be hard, so settle in, quit your bitchin because it's not EVER going to be easy, no matter what.

Being fat is hard.
Losing weight is hard.
Maintaining your weight is hard.
Choose one.
No matter what you choose, it WILL NOT be easy.

I am going to be a bit reflective in the next few posts, since I am coming up on my "1 year anniversary" since making this new lifestyle change.

Spiders, Snakes and all that gymnast stuff

2007-04-26T09:02:00.000-05:00

Why my blog has not been updated for an entire year, you might ask? Well here’s why.

What are you afraid of? Spiders? Terrorism? Elevators? Snakes on a Plane? Clowns (well actually I’m a little afraid of clowns, but that is a topic for discussion in a later blog post)

Well I am afraid of failure, it’s actually a quite crippling fear. I don’t want anyone to know that I might not be able to do something. I blame the baby boomer generation who told all their kids (me) they could be anything they wanted to be. So I could be a millionaire-lawyer-astronaut-Olympic gymnast? “Yes, you can be what ever you want!”

I was afraid that if I started blogging about another “weight loss journey” and then made no progress, like in the past, it would be quite embarrassing to have to own up to that to the three people who read my blog. I know I’m a wimp, but hey it’s the truth. The fear and shame that I might have happened, kept me from blogging. After almost a year of making slow but steady progress, I now think that it’s okay to start blogging. How ridiculous! I agree.

Week 48 – Keep change alive.

2007-04-24T11:22:00.000-05:00

Its been a LONG time since I have posted anything, but I have been doing pretty well with my weight loss. As of today I am down 72.8 pounds! YAY!! I think starting out I really didn’t realize how many of my personal demons I would need to confront on a daily basis. I struggle with emotional eating. I never really wanted to admit that to myself, but the reality is I am a closet binge eater. This may come as surprise to those of you who know me, those of you who have had a meal with me, because I never overindulge…in public.

When I started WW in June 2006, I thought to myself that I probably won’t lose much weight, because diets don’t work. The reason diets don’t work for me is because no matter what diet I was on, I would always binge in secrecy. Its taken me a long time to own up to this problem, because I try so hard to make my life look perfect and orderly. I am an incredibly focused and driven person, and for me admitting hat I essentially have an eating disorder flies in the face of the ‘perfect persona’ that I am trying to establish for myself. Big news no one is perfect, so by not pretending to be perfect I have allowed myself to finally make positive progress.

I haven’t posted I a very long while, because from the first day I started this blog, I wanted to be a place where I came to be accountable, to provide full disclosure, even if only my three friends read it, the Internet is public. By saying on my blog, I am a binge eater, I have in my mind essentially told the world. There's no going back now.

Day 4 – The points….my God the points!

2006-06-01T10:58:00.000-05:00

Another good morning I woke up at 5:50, good stuff got to work a few minutes before 7:00. Breakfast was oatmeal, banana, Effexor, and green tea – 5 points. Work was super boring today, I was praying for the day to be over. So for lunch I had a great 9 point lunch, sandwich, yogurt, cheese. So far the day is pretty mundane, but at 12:30 I had a meeting with my new trainer and my dad to discuss the workout schedule. So my new trainer is definitely a sight to see, he is huge, his arms are like tree trunks and his head looks so tiny, because he has so many muscles. He seems like a nice guy. I think he is going to whip my ass into shape. He kinda pissed me off because he told me he was going to put me on a high protein low carb diet – been there done that lost and regained 50 lbs. I’m going to stick to WW. I like counting points, it makes me feel in control, and I like the flexibility of getting to eat any thing I want , in moderation of course. So I will be meeting with my trainer on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. This will be interesting.

Day 3 – God’s time table is different from mine

2006-05-31T22:06:00.000-05:00

I started off my blog with that title today, because I am super impatient. Everything can be done faster…EVERYTHING! I think one of the reasons I fail so miserably with dieting is because I have delusional fantasies about becoming a size 5 because I started eating healthy and exercising for two months. I decided that I am going to live in reality. And unfortunately the reality is 1lbs to 2lbs of weight loss a week. I know it seems ridiculous since it seems like one can gain 5lbs if you have a really good weekend. ( or really bad, depends how you look at it). Today I woke up early again, got to work right at 7am. Today is my first official day of being a “point counter”. I had a great breakfast feast, WW oatmeal, banana, and yogurt – the 6 point breakfast. I really love oatmeal, so I decided to try out the WW oatmeal…bad idea; it was pretty effin gross I will stick to my regular Quaker Oats oatmeal, its only three points. Lunch was good, Lean pocket, piece of cheese and Vitamin Water. I fear that that will probably be my last bottle of Vitamin Water for a while since it was 3 damn points, not a wise choice on my part. I was so hungry during the afternoon at work. Okay I was crazy hungry in the afternoon.

After work, I went to visit my doctor to talk about treatment for depression, it went okay but I always hate going to the doctor, because you never see the doctor anywhere near your appt time, My appointment 5:15pm…hello doctor was about 6:25pm, does that make any sense?!? I like my doctor though, she never makes you feel rushed, so that’s probably why she is always running behind, she spends quality time with her patients once you finally get to see her. So she gave me some samples of EFFEXOR XR to take for the next three weeks, so I have to go see her in three weeks to see how things are going, but she thinks that the meds should help and it won’t cause weight gain. Which is great. I also went for a walk with my Mom and brothers yesterday, it was fun. My youngest brother is a complete nut, and always has me laughing. When I got home my tiny little dog Brooklyn was acting insane, so I played with him for like 30mins and he chilled out a bit. Dinner was cereal – 5 points and a South Beach breakfast wrap – 4 points. Why am I only eating breakfast foods for dinner? I don’t know either. I meet with my trainer tomorrow, so I’m sure there will be some great stories for tomorrow….later

Day 2 - It's never too late to be what you might have been!!!

2006-05-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up with an unusual sense of focus, for the first time in months. I actually woke up on time, rather than hitting snooze for an hour and dragging myself into work at 8:30. For me, when I start the day early, I am in a better mood, get more work done, and have a general good disposition for the remainder of the day. Today for breakfast I had green tea and Oatmeal. It’s funny because this is how I usually start the day, most of the horrible eating creeps in as the day progresses. I rarely start out the day eating an entire pizza…rarely. So I am going to get a personal trainer, compliments of my father who really wants me to shed some pounds. I have a meeting with the trainer on Thursday to discuss the plan of action. In my mind, the conversation goes something like this… Trainer: So it appears you have a weight problem, you should exercise, eat less, and then you will lose some weight. Me: Thank you for noticing, I do need to lose some weight, what do you say I get my ass moving and do some exercise? Trainer: Sounds like a plan. Who knows, the convo could get deeper, but I doubt it.

For lunch I had what I like to call a “classic lunch” A Lean Pocket and a banana, a granny smith apple and a can of delicious Lite Minute Maid Cherry Limeade, it is one of my favorite drinks!! And for a snack I had a 100 calorie pack, Chips a Hoy, and I have to say it was pretty good. I bought a couple books today on Amazon, about emotional eating and binging, hopefully there will be some “news I can use” in them. I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss counseling; I’m going to try to look losing weight in a different way this time…emotionally (counseling), nutritionally (weight watchers), and physically (my trainer). The weight loss trinity if you will. In all my other attempts I have done some combination of these three, but never all at the same time.

After work I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I have never been so excited about the prospect of gathering with other fattys to discuss how not to be fattys. I thought it might be funny to bring everyone delicious Krispy Kreme donuts since it was my first meeting, and you should never go to a new place empty handed. But since I was pressed for time, I guess the donuts will have to wait until next week. The meeting was great and it really got me psyched about eating healthy!!!. I am doing weight watchers with a friend from work so hopefully we can motivate each other to stay on the plan. The meeting atmosphere is very lively and social, so I think I’ll have fun going to weekly meetings. I will now become one of those people who is counting points, but the flexibility of WW will be easy for me to follow. (I hope). When I left the meeting I went walking with my Mom and little brother, we mostly discussed the Mavs, who are playing tonight. When I got home I had cereal for dinner. Not to bad, I think today went pretty well.

Day One

2006-05-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

So today was the first day of my most recent attempt to lose some weight. I have had a weight problem since I was a kid, so this is by mo means unfamiliar territory for me. You name the diet, I have tried it. I went on my first diet when I was 11, so I have spent more than half my life up until this point trying to lose weight. Being fat totally sucks donkey balls, its very difficult feeling like you are living in a shell that you want to break out of. People are shitty and being fat makes people pre-judge your capabilities without even knowing you. I have accomplished a lot for myself I own a home, graduated college, have a good job, no major issues..etc. EXCEPT I'm a fatty so that always overshadows anything I have accomplished or will accomplish in the future. There are many days when I get so disgusted and fed up with life, because I know I will never fully have a life until I lose this weight. I have a significant amount of weight to lose to, I'm talking like 100 lbs, if not more. So there is no way this going to be solved, by doing NutriSystem, or some other ridiculous thing for two months. I have to totally change my life. I don’t do well with failure; in fact weight loss is probably the only thing I have ever failed at. I am so ambitious in every other area of my life except here, and I don’t know why.

So today was a good day, I went for a two mile walk with my Mom, so far I’m off to a good start, let’s see where the next days, weeks, and months take me.

2006-03-01T22:37:00.000-06:00

Today I have started a blog.